Time marches on

I find my self in a bit of a funk today. One minute Im ok,next minute consumed with sadness,then the next grateful for everything in my life. Such is the process of mourning. I've done it before. We all will do it or have done it at one time or another in our lives. Depending on how close you were to the person that has passed or in what capacity they affected your life will dictate how deep or for how long the grieving will go on. No matter what, it will cause you to question your own mortality.

Why are we here? what is this life all about? If we just die, whats the point? I believe that the human energy (spirit,as some call it) has to go somewhere. That is just plain ol physics. All energy goes on. I am agnostic. I do not know for certain what happens to this energy but I know it will go on.
Being a person that can have a decent imagination I can picture a "good" life force. Passing on to inhabit a new life that will have good things befall it. And if your a 'bad" life force,you will go on to suffer and live a hard life. Possibly until you get it right ,if you ever do. Most of our life forces probably fall somewhere in between the good and bad and we are just sent on a path that teaches us lessons we have not learned yet.

This is nothing I am certain about. It is just the way I think it may go. I really do wish I had blind faith in Jesus,or Allah ,or any number of "gods" that people worship. It would be comforting to say the least.

All I know is that I am acutely aware of how quickly our time on this plane goes by. You blink and another decade has gone by. One day your graduating from High school,the next your starting your family.
SLOW DOWN!! I hear my mind screaming. I am not ready for it to go by so fast. I want more time.

And I miss all of the people I loved that have passed on so much! I talk to them and once in awhile I imagine they hear me,and maybe even answer me. The memories swirl around in my head and my heart aches. I think of a funny memory and I smile. The worst thing is the silence. The phone not ringing,the lack of hearing their voices on a regular basis. The smiles in their eyes when they saw you and you them.

Then another week passes and you feel like you better get a grip and take what life you have in both hands and relish every split second of it. For to be able to go outside and look up at the sky,feel the sun on your face is a gift from this universe. Enjoy it,live it! Do not waste it on small thoughts,or hatred or pettiness. Embrace it,because every single one of those people that have moved on would tell you to.They know like no other what a gift the now is.
Laugh and love the best you can every single day as if it is your last. Hard to do? maybe. But so much harder not to.

Older woman ,younger man.Happy Anniversary!

Well it's been 13 years Oct 5th that Craig and I got married. The above pic is the 2 of us at his brother Jim's wedding a couple years ago. Most people just seeing us don't know there is a 16 year age difference between my husband and I. Yes he is the younger one,lol. I attribute it to his early baldness and greying and to my good genes, haha!

Whenever you go into a relationship with this type of age gap there is bound to be a certain amount of apprehension. You have to realize that 13 years ago my husband was in his late 20's and I was in my early 40's. That's a generation apart. He had never been married before,I not only had been but I also came with a 14 year old teenager! Talk about a possible train wreck.

First there was the many talks about ,are you SURE you never want children?? Me to him of course. How do you know that won't change for you in a few years? I was relentless about asking him that. His reassurance that he never did want them ,but would be happy helping me with my daughter didn't really ease my worries on this subject.

Next was the discussion about our differences. He likes 80's music,I grew up with the Beatles but love all music. He liked gaming (indoor sports) I like outdoor stuff and working out. He is a home body ,I like to travel and do stuff.

And his family and his friends and my family and my friends...would they accept me? him with me? would they accept him/us? I am happy to say for the most part the friends and family on both sides have accepted this relationship. Some of his friends are in the midst of raising their families,something we are now done with.But I still love seeing them have families and being around the little ones. I love "his "friends as they have become mine. I like getting to know their new additions to their families and hope they all know that we don't mind being around their kids just because we don't have any young ones.

After all our talking and all my brow beating him about how I will be reaching retirement way before him (kind of a bad joke now that it looks like no one will be able to retire) it all fell back to the basic ingredients of any relationship. Love,respect and adaptability. Respecting his passions and him respecting mine.

So here we are at year 13 and no regrets for either of us so far. It hasn't always been easy,we've had our trials and tribulations. But none of it had to do with age difference. It was mainly life and how it can slam you with stuff and how we choose to deal with it. I ask my self every year about now,"would I say those vows to him again today? Each year has been a resounding"YES!" How wonderful.

Life Lessons

I love the above picture that my daughter Rachel took of herself. It reminds me of a yoga pose we do where you spred your arms out wide lean your head back and open yourself up to the Universe.

Today's post is just three bits of advice I have learned as I stumble,walk and run through this thing called life.
1. You stay young by moving out of your comfort zone
2. There is a reason we lose our close up vision as we age,so forget the botox
3. Learning to say no is the most freeing thing you can learn,just be polite about it.

The best thing about getting older is.....

Well for one,you expect less. Less from people ,less from life in general. I have learned that you need to just take each day as it comes and look for the best in it. You also learn not to expect too much from people as if you do,you will usually be dissapointed. And when you least expect it, the ones you care about will do something thoughtful and you will be wonderfully surprised and touched.

I became cautious growing up with a mom who suffered from mental illness. Kids can be cruel when they find out your mom is mentally ill. It made me cautious to say the least. I didn't invite friends over too often, cuz I never knew how Mom was going to be. The few friends I trusted to get close to were cherished.

I found that I lived my life guarding my heart and my feelings. Opening up to few ,as not to be hurt. Still ,I always had friends. I was a good listener and a compassionate ear. I knew what it was like to have problems.

As I walk through the second half of my life I find it freeing to have no expectations. Each day is new and I can make it what I want. Even when work or other people put up road blocks,I can choose to walk around them easier. I don't have time to let things bother me. It's freeing!

"The One"

OK,I got this idea from Rachel L. and thought it was great . So heres mine! How did I know he was the one? I didn't at first. It was a gradual appreciation of the kind of person he is that just keep growing until one day I realized that,simply put, I loved him. It was not easy to admit my feelings for him right away,even to myself. The main issue being the age differance,he is 16 years younger than me. Plus I had 2 marriages behind me and a daughter just hitting her teenage years. I came with baggage,so to speak . If you made up a list the cons outweighed the pros into getting into this relationship. But the heart knew this one was diferent

What was so special?Well lets look at the outside first, I love his laughter. He has this big booming laugh that makes you look when he comes out with it. And then you smile along with him and even if you don't think what he is laughing at is funny ,you kinda laugh at his laugh anyway.He has these soft brown eyes,that just lookwell, kind. He has this great deep voice. And really nice smile.

The inside,He has strong integrity. He sticks to his beliefs. He has alot of long time friends that love him. I think that says alot about a man. He is loyal and he makes me feel loved. He respects women and he respects me. He loves his family and he opened his heart to my daughter and even though I dont think he expected it ,he loves her like if she were his own. He has been understanding about my having to help caregive for my ex husband becouse he knows it helps his step daughter. Who couldn't love a man like that?

He's not perfect. He takes forever to get ready to go somewhere. He gets moody often and he can have a temper when pushed . And god help the person that pushes him. He is very neat though and I never have to pick up after him. He is not too great at jumping in with the housework but will if I push it. He cooks for himself most nights. So all in all can't complain there...

I feel content when I'm with him and can't wait to see him after a long work day. It's been 12 years married and many more than that knowing him and being with him hasn't gotten old yet. We tell each other we love each other every day . We might argue once in awile but rarely fight.

So I guess he's the "one" becouse I can't imagine my life without him and becouse the best time in my whole day is when we snuggle in bed and watch TV together before falling asleep. It doesn't get any better than that.