Dad,oh how I miss you still...

My father passed away in 1995. Yet I still can remember the feelings like it was last week. Sure the sharpness of the pain fades away as the years go by,but the missing him never stops. My dad was my "person". The one person that I felt the closest to in the whole world. Even though I loved my mother with all my heart we did not have the same connection that I shared with my father. We simply "got"each other. One look and we knew how each other was feeling. I looked up to him as this larger than life person. I am sure that much of who I am and the way I behave is based on what he thought or what he would think of me and my actions.

He always gave me the benefit of the doubt and respected my opinion. I used to worship him when I was young,Then as I got older and I found out he was flawed and imperfect in many ways,I simply just loved him because of his un-failing love for me.

I am sorry he has missed out on so much. My daughter was only 12 when he passed away and she has memories of him, but limited. He missed her high school graduation ,both of her college graduations,and her wedding. He missed my third wedding (although he did meet my future third husband) and I wished he had been there to see that the third time has truly been the charm for me. He would simply be happy that I am happy.

He was larger than life. A truly fun fun man to spend time with. He liked to tell jokes and he had tons of friends. He was so generous, always giving people money or food or whatever they needed. He had a large personality. He loved to treat people to dinners. Food being his drug of choice and what would eventually ruin his health.Many of my memories revolve around going out to eat with him.
He confided in me. Liked to dump his worries and troubles on me because he knew I would listen and try not to be judgemental. I knew also in return he would always be there for me if I needed anything.

I think of him allot this week ,one, because it is coming up on the one year anniversary that my daughter lost her father and two because my sister n law just lost her father this week.
I take comfort in knowing that he is still somewhere sending his love to us and sharing in our lives still. He is in my heart all the time.
I miss his laughter and the look in his eyes when he would gaze at the ones he loved. I even miss his grumpiness and stubbornness. I miss the way he would bob his head and dance his shoulders when a song was on that struck his fancy.The way he could tell a joke,never forgetting the punch line. He was opinionated and at the same time fair. He stood up for unions and the workers rights. A advocate for justice. He was union steward for his local for many years.
He would hate what this country has become and for that I am glad maybe he is not here to see it. He loved to travel and he would abhor what we have to go through at the airport now. I am sure if he was still around he would be writing letters to congress and senate and the local papers. As he did so often.

Yes Dad ,you are on my mind these days. I miss you.

Where did summer go? Getting organized!!

Yep ,here we are again. At the tail end of summer.
September =warm days leading into crisp cool nights.
I LOVE THIS UPCOMING TIME OF YEAR!! Fall is BY FAR, as far as I am concerned, the best part of living in Michigan. September is usually very moderate.Temps are comfortable and mostly it's dry.

October? OK,so its getting cooler but not too cold,light sweater or jacket and the best part? The leaves!! OMG it's beautiful driving down Metro parkway in October. Colors blazing as the sun filters through the leaves.
 Two months of goodness..then....November.....

Well we won't talk about that for now. I am learning the day at a time thing for more relaxed living,Ha!

So I usually feel more energized this time of year. I will attack a household project. Many times its painting. This year its' been closet reorganizing. I'm pretty well done with the upstairs three closets. The next one to tackle will be the front closet in the entryway.
Then the dreaded basement under the stair storage area...This project will need husband help. We are trying very hard to weed out stuff we do not need and or use and GET RID OF IT. I also want to put stuff we are keeping in plastic totes. Out with cardboard boxes!! I have known way to many people with water issues and the thought of losing some precious memories to water damage makes me sick.

Now I'm not a messy person. Anyone that's been in my home can attest that we are very neat uncluttered people. But I have a hard time parting with clothes....Yes, its an issue. So I tried very hard to part with as much as possible while going through the upstairs closets. I made progress ,but I still have way more than I need. Oh well,A little at a time.

So much has happened

since I last wrote in here. Mothers day this year was magical. My daughter arrived with a very thoughtful gift,Yoga pants and a beautiful green cloth yoga mat holder. She also gave me a card with news inside that I was to be a grandmother! I was over the top with joy. We took a trip to White Chapel where we tending to my mothers grave site and gave her the news of the upcoming great grand child.
 It was a joyous day of the two of us being very happy and close and excited. I have to say one of the most memorable mothers days ever for me.

The weeks following were of excitement and a trip to the Doctor with my daughter and her husband for the first ultra sound. There it was a tiny heartbeat! Wow! We never had ultrasounds unless they felt something was wrong back when I was pregnant with my daughter.

I got excited with thoughts of shower planning.... Calling my daughter daily to see how she was feeling. Things seemed to be going textbook and I felt after her miscarriage in the fall ,this was going to be fine....
Week 8 into her pregnancy and cramping and bleeding began. Bed rest did not help and she was headed into another miscarriage. Sorrow. Sadness. Loss.

The distinct awareness how fragile life really is and how easily things can change in an instant.
Again we grieve. All the things people say ... "Its natures way...things just were "not right" "better now than later" None of it helps,and of course we already know all those things.

I am most worried about my daughters health. Number one always. Such an up and down hormonal roller coaster ride. The main thing is she has a great marriage and she has me and her step dad and all the other family that love them both. Things will be OK.
Someone told me that life is going exactly how it should be. I honestly can say I don't always "get IT" Looking back there are many things I would do different in my life,but then many other things would also be changed and I would not be where I am right now at this moment. So maybe they are right,life is going just as it should be.
Hang on ,some times its a bumpy ride.

Color Needed!!

Since spring has decided not to make an appearance till maybe summer I decided the best way to cheer me up was to add some color to my Beige on beige living room. I went with orange accents!. A couple of orange pillows.

A nice orange rug in front of the couch!

A couple of new lampshades.Like the one below,

And best of all I put up new art work above the couch and got rid of an old picture that I was never all that fond of but had sentimental value. Hard to let go of that stuff.
I am AMAZED how just these few things picked up the mood of the room! So much more warmth and cheerful.
Just the perk I needed while waiting for warmer weather.

Grief

After having a couple heart to hearts with my offspring lately it has come to my attention that sometimes the people closest to you are the most ill equipped to help you through the loss of a loved one. Sure they can be there to love you and well,just love you. But because of their own grief over the loss of that person ,they may not be the person to hold you up at that time.
Grief,its so individual and personal that no one person makes their way through it exactly the same as the next. BUT that does not mean that the struggle is not the same. Grief never ends it just takes on different colors as time goes by. It will be 16 years this August since the loss of my father. Yes ,the sharpness of grief has lessened with time. But the loss is still felt daily. I will try out a new restaurant and automatically think "Oh,Dad would love this place" Or I'll have a hard day and think "Wish I could talk to dad about this" Or my daughter graduates with her Masters and I think "oh Mom and Dad would be so proud to see her today"
It never ends,and it never will.
The other day I was especially down and started talking to my Dad. Yes you do talk to loved ones after they pass on.Well,I do. And I don't see anything wrong with it. No,I haven't heard any voices back. Once in awhile I "think" I feel an emotion from them. A feeling.... Wishful? Maybe,who knows. I choose to believe in it. I did have a "visit" from my father about two weeks after his passing,but that is a post for another day.

Yes grief,an emotion that can paralyze you and for some people alter their lives so completely that they can't function for the rest of their lives. For most of us ,we deal with it and get back to the business of living. We all know none of our loved ones want us hurting at their loss to the point that it stops us from living fully the rest of our life.So we try hard to carry the love we have for them in our hearts and remember the good times the best we can . And if there were bad times or unfinished business with the lost loved one we also have to move on . Regret,another emotion that walks hand and hand with grief.
Life,I haven't figured it out at all. You do get wiser with age in many ways. You find out that certain things are just not worth carrying to long on your shoulders. Shrug it off. But get any closer to figuring out what this life is all about? Well I haven't. Sure I know that loveing each other is the most important thing. Stop being selfish and extend yourself to help others that have it worse than you. But suffering and illness never seems to be dealt out fairly and that is the biggest thing about life that I doubt I will ever understand.
Yes grief ,the hardest part of life,without a doubt.

Is the Film Industry Good For Michigan??

I am personally rooting for it. I LOVE movies! Having owned a Video Store for 10 years when video renting was at its peak I have a personal interest in this industry. There is nothing better in my opinion than losing yourself in a great movie. It takes you to places that you can only conjure up in dreams. A good love story can touch you deeply,a good comedy can ease your troubled soul. I personally can not even imagine a life without this great art form.

I have read several reports pros and cons over the last couple weeks since the governor proposed his plans to cut the incentives. Most of the studies done have been favorable in stating that a movie being made here does indeed stimulate the economy and boost up the local areas business. Tourism also increases where movies are made. Mackinaw Island can testify at how much the filming of Somewhere In Time boosted people who visited the Grand Hotel since it was made. All in all most studies done have been in the positive vein. I do feel as with any type of breaks for business's this one included that there should be stipulations. Hiring stipulations,example,A certain percentage of the film crew should be filled by locals. Also local governments should NOT be allowed to get into joint building ventures with proposed film studios.
Since we are giving such huge financial breaks to the Industry we should not risk local government spending on joint ventures.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I can not see how pulling the plug on this now is a service to Michigan.

Communication,easier said than done

Communication. That is the key to success in ALL relationships. But oh how hard it is to do at times. Miss communication is the number one problem in the breakdown of friendships, marriages and between parents and children. It can go bad before you know it.

How to stop this from happening? Well I am no expert by any means. But I have raised a successful daughter in an environment that could have been toxic. Not that it was perfect and there isn’t a residual effect but over all I feel the communication between my daughter and myself was key to our success.

We have a mutual respect for each other as women that makes our relationship one of the most successful in my life. I wanted my daughter to become a strong woman. I wanted her to have pride in herself and be able to stand securely on her own two feet. Not to have to depend on a man to support her financially only to join with a man for love and companionship. The key to that was education and belief in herself. Many obstacles fell in the way of her path toward achieving these goals. And they were HUGE obstacles. None I could have ever foreseen happening. I had to make sacrifices for her that I wasn’t prepared for and she had to make sacrifices that she should have never had to make. When her father got so gravely hurt and she became his caregiver it would have been easy for her to abandon her goals of education and try to get a small paying job to help while she caregived him.

I was adamant that NOT happen. You must continue your studies I said. What do you do when in five years your father is not here and you are left with nothing for yourself? I said to her. There was one thing her father and I did agree on and that was this girl had the smarts to achieve whatever she put her mind to. It was a brain that should not go to waste. She just had way too much to offer. I knew I had to help to make sure that she could go on and get her education. Easy?? A big fat NO ! It was hard work for her. She almost lost her mind many times throughout the course of her studies. And so did I. I was running the race with her. Helping with her father as much as I could. Working long hours to help with expenses. Trying to talk with my daughter and COMMUNICATE. Never stop talking. Take the time.

The same with your spouse. So easy to fall into the day to day. So easy to think you’re on the same page and then all of a sudden to find out your not. Make that time to just really listen to each other and really understand what that person you share your life with really is feeling. Even if at times you don’t think they will want to hear your feelings, you still must listen. Not in judgment but with understanding.

These are lessons I continue to learn. Easy to go off the path. But much easier when you get back on the right path. The riches that you can share when you communicate in all your important relationships are so abundant!